Understanding Communication Through More Than Just Words

A lawyers’ stock-in-trade is in words. But his value is in interpretation.

The following is an excerpt from my eulogy for Dorothy Madeline Riley, my beloved Grandmother, who above all else taught her grandchildren that communication is understood through so much more than just words.

A famous American author once said, “The most important things are the hardest to say, because words diminish them.”

Throughout our lives, our grandmother proved that the most important lessons in life can be said without any words at all. In her early 60s our grandmother suffered a stroke, and acquired aphasia as a result. Aphasia is an acquired communication disorder that impairs a person’s ability to process language. Aphasia impairs the ability to speak and understand others, and most people with aphasia experience difficulty reading and writing. The diagnosis of aphasia does not necessarily affect a person's intelligence. [1]

Although she lost her speech when the grandchildren were young, our grandmother never lost her ability to communicate to her grandchildren the important things in life. These were to live with a sense of humor, to be charitable, and to seek to understand communication.

We came to appreciate these important lessons through a lifetime of experiences with our grandmother. But because she lost her speech when we were young, on the road to discerning these important life lessons, we first had to understand her language.

It's estimated that there are 7,000 languages communicated on earth today . . . I would suggest that there are in fact 7001. And all those who have communicated with someone suffering from aphasia, undoubtedly, would agree.

In our younger years, the grandchildren learned quickly that grandma’s language was rich. We also learned quickly that there is a great deal more to understanding communication than just understanding the definition of words: grandmother's eyes and look expressed sincerity, her hand gestures were used for emphasis, her body movements signaled interest, the loudness of her voice manifested enthusiasm, and her intonations expressed attitudes and emotions, to name just a few. You had to pay close attention to these external signals—our grandmother always used them when she communicated.

Grandma’s language synthesized many others. Sometimes she used English words, other times she used Sign Language, and still other times she used intonations; a technique familiar to Mandarin Chinese. In Mandarin Chinese, which is a tonal language, a simple change in the intonation of a word can drastically change its meaning. For instance, take the word “Ti.” (I thought it appropriate because where there was grandma, there was a stewing pot of “Tea” not too far.) In Mandarin Chinese, Ti with a flat tone means “kick” and Ti with a rise and fall tone means “to lift up.” Tone is fundamental to understanding communication in Mandarin Chinese, just like tone was fundamental to understanding grandma’s language. The grandchildren learned quickly that, “oh well" with a drawn out tone meant so much more than the simple words, “oh well.”

To further illustrate our grandma’s language, here are three small translations:

When grandma heard people arguing, she would turn her head and look away, often muttering, “And a way.” This meant, “come on guys, don’t sweat the small stuff”;

When grandma believed in something–and she was very opinionated–she would forcefully break through a crowd and would say something like “and mine.” This meant, "be strong, stand up for what you believe in";

When grandma approved of something, she would perk up, get wide eyes, and say confidently “Oh nice.” This was grandma’s mark of approval, which meant, “You’ve got it!”

These are just a few of grandma's expressions, which you could only understand by appreciating that communication is manifested through more than just words.

John F. Kennedy once said, “I believe that if we are strong, our strength will speak for itself.” Indeed, grandma’s strength spoke for itself.

In closing, I’d like to share a special moment that the family holds dear. In her final hours, the family had gathered around grandma. The family packed into a little hospital room. There was a rare silent moment. Grandma broke the silence, raised her hand, and in her characteristic way, said in a drawn out manner, “oh well.” More often than not communication is not just textual, but rather contextual. I interpreted grandma’s final communications as consolation, as if to say, “don’t fret, this is the circle of life.”

We’ll miss grandma’s “oh wells” of encouragement, her laughter of approval, and the way she would say without saying it, “You’ve got it!” But we’ll never forget, that grandma proved that the most important lessons in life are sometimes communicated without any words at all.

Citations

[1] http://www.aphasia.org/aphasia-faqs/